Tonight after getting to see my friends band play (aka Kitty Plague) at the Ruby Room here in San Diego, I ended my night at a place I go to that is a sort of place that everyone knows my name. My own personal “Cheers” you could say. It’s called the Carriage House and it runs it’s karaoke show 7 days a week. I love to sing karaoke on occasion when in a mood. Or I just go to play some pool, shoot the shit with good friends and have a laugh. But the last four days have been a weird mish-mash of emotion for me. I’ve gone from being overwhelmed & stressed about bills, having a wisdom tooth yanked out of my skull, to getting the news that a good friend just passed away who I hadn’t seen in a long time yet she was close by! I needed some sort of release, well I got it…that is for sure. Let me explain…or try to.
I really didn’t know that singing a song I used to sing all the time was going to make me literally shake with emotion while singing it! Sure I’ve sang it before with the lyrics meaning something to me. at the time. Usually it had something to do with a broken heart or some guy had crushed me cruelly. This time ..It felt good, it felt almost heavenly…it’s so hard to explain. What’s amazing is that it made me finally feel something, made me feel me! I was shaken to the core hearing my voice come out of me with a strength and honesty I hadn’t felt or heard in the longest time. I was open, truly vulnerable, free….I was Carrie again! Oh if you could have only been there to experience it. I couldn’t even stay and hang out with my friends, I had to get home. I had to write about it before I forgot about how good it felt to feel the real me, the strong, emotional, pure Carrie! It’s fucking awesome, really how else can I put it!
I do not know if this will make sense to anyone reading this, perhaps you would have to be inside my mind, body, whatever at the time. All I do know is that I am tired, happy, scared and relieved all at the same time, and I want to do it again, and again. I want to break free again! Let my soul out at any given time and any given place without the fear I have been carrying for so long! Without the self hatred and loathing that I have had for myself for TOO LONG! My god how good it feels to start down the road of loving yourself again…to realize what I’ve been denying myself!
So if you have never heard the song, here is the video. I am going to fall asleep. Tomorrow is a new day with new adventures. 🙂 Bring it!